Holden Freeman & Brain

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Most Common Search Topic on Bing: “Google.com”

Bellevue, WA – A not so shocking development in the war waging between the two search engine juggernauts presented itself this weekend.  Bing, the online search engine powered by Microsoft, released the results of a recent analytic report done for them by a third party, presumably, before they even checked the information. 

The report detailed just how much Bing is lagging behind its rival, Google; which is the not- so-shocking part.  What might be shocking, for several reasons, is what the most searched for topic and most used words are within the Bing engine.

“Google.com is the most searched for item on our site…by a long shot.”  said a somber Microsoft developer who asked to remain nameless; likely out of embarrassment.  “I mean, I knew they were beating us, by a lot, but I didn’t know our users were so uninformed and lacked so much internet savvy.  If you’re going to use Google over Bing, whatever.  But stop searching for Google through Bing.  It makes you look stupid and us look even worse than we are.”

It turns out, Bing users do reflect the assertion made by the unnamed Bing representative.  Comprised mostly of senior citizens and young children, both of whom enjoy the bright colors and general whimsy of the engine, Bing users seem to think that Google is not a stand-alone website and search tool that must be searched for through another outlet.

“I really like the advertisements during The Price is Right.” said Ethel Thompson, an 82 year-old resident of the Peaceful Endings retirement community in Ft. Lauderdale, FL.  “I use Bing to search for my grandson’s Facebook page through Google so I can stay in touch with him.  He’s such a nice boy.  His name is Jimmy.  Well, his real name is James but we all call him Jimmy.  I just wish he could find a nice girl.  You know, when he was a baby…” there was a long, uninteresting anecdote that followed; something about tee ball.  But I didn’t write it down.

Upon hearing the report, Steve Aksamit, a developer at Googleplex, the Google HQ just outside Santa Clara, CA, had this to add. “What the hell is Bing?”

-          Russell William

Published 29 April 2013

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Mike Rice to Captain USA Olympic Dodgeball Team

Newark, NJ – We’ve all seen his highlight video.  We’ve all seen his talent.  Former Rutgers University basketball coach Mike Rice has become the topic of much debate since a video displaying his coaching techniques went viral last week.  Throughout the video we see Rice’s second-to-none ability to berate teenage boys with homophobic slurs as well as his extremely efficient employment of physical abuse.  However, one particular aspect of the video caught the eyes of a certain US hero.

“I’ve never seen anybody…ANYBODY huck a ball the way he did in that video.” said USA Dodgeball legend, and current coach, Patches O’Houlihan.  “He hit at least six different guys right on the money and I didn’t see him get hit even once.”  O’Houlihan exclaimed during a press conference held yesterday at the Penn Station Hilton, just outside Newark. 

Consisting of the best players that America has to offer, the US Olympic Dodgeball team will showcase standouts from YMCA’s across the country.  With players ranging in age from 11-60, the diversity of the team could prove to be an issue in the preliminary matches.

“We need somebody who can whip these pansies into shape.”  O’Houlihan said, taking another pull from his flask.  “I really think that this is the guy who can do that.”

O’Houlihan fielded a few questions from the people in attendance, most of whom were simply waiting for their cab ride to the airport, before introducing his new captain. 

“I’m glad to be asked to take on such a large leadership role with the team.  Hell, I’m really just glad to have a job.” Rice stated over the drowning boos from the four or five onlookers.  “I know, in my bones, that I am a leader and if people give me a chance, I can bring out the best in them.  I feel like some of the older players will respond to my teaching style.  As far as the younger players, though, if they don’t like it, then they’re just a bunch of pussies.”

The USA was picked as the 5^th best team going into the qualifying round this weekend.  Once the announcement was made that Rice would be added to the team, however, America became the heavy favorite to win it all.

“I have absolutely no soul.”  a defiant and scowling Rice declared, pounding the podium and calling it a fairy.  “I am out for blood.  If any of you wimps or wussies out there think that I don’t intend to harm you and your children, you have another thing coming.”

The US team opens up preliminary play this weekend against the French national team. 

“Those fairy frogs better be ready.  I will rain dodgeballs upon their heads with the strength and ferocity of the seven plagues!  America, bitches.  Rice…out.”

-          Russell William

Published 8 April 2013

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